Samantha Tan on Pleasure

Watch the Full Video Series Below or


A pleasure movement’s afoot. And women of color are its leading edge. What an incredible way to rebel. It is a sign of life, resilience, resistance and hope. It is a harbinger of joy.

This is the launch of my video series. And I’m thrilled to be introducing you to my wife, Samantha Tan. She is an executive coach to women, a circle holder and all around wise woman. She is devoting her life to reclaim pleasure as medicine, compass and path. 

I met Samantha around the same time that I was getting to know women like Favianna Rodriguez and adrienne maree brown. Asian. Latina. Black. Different lives.  Different perspectives. Each of them committed to pleasure. All converging on the side of life.

It is good to name a pattern when you see it. 

I grew up a religious Catholic. Pleasure was something to be weary of. This was true for me as a boy. And even more so for the women, queer and gender nonconforming people in my life. This pleasure movement is liberating. It is a shift in paradigm. It is not an immature stance for hedonism. It is a stand for what is beautiful in life. It is an act of rebellion that centers the feminine. It is expansive and inclusive in its nature. And it is light on a better path.

I will keep working with men to relinquish patriarchy. To stop being a threat. To stop getting in the way of feminine pleasure with our extractive ways. To step into conscious masculinity where it is wanted. Where it serves. 

And I will leave you here with Samantha. Her wisdom. Commitment. And generous work. Can’t wait to hear what you think!

Want to learn more about Pleasure Activism? Here are some resources

Let's Relinquish Patriarchy

Let's Relinquish Patriarchy

adrienne maree brown is a prophetic voice for our times. She just wrote a clear and precise admonishment for any man who dares to pay attention. Relinquishing the Patriarchy is a helpful and concise way to focus that attention.

People are gathering around her books Emergent Strategy and Pleasure Activism. I’m inviting men to gather around this blog post. Let’s take a deeper dive into the conversation.

I launched the Better Men Project soon after the #metoo movement forced our society to contend with the horrors of patriarchy in a new and deeper way. It is my own work of atonement. A commitment to become a better man and to help men become better.

Let’s have a zoom video conference call together. Join me and other men on Monday, July 8, 2019 at 8:30PM East Coast Time. Let’s take time with this clear text. Let’s allow it to impact us and how we show up as men.

Real Leverage

Real Leverage

Only ten percent of our happiness is determined by our circumstances. Where we live. How rich or poor we are. Our health. Our place within the structure of oppression.

I want my work to have a direct impact on the objective conditions of the people. I want to have a positive effect on people’s circumstance. But it is imperative that I pay attention to how I go about doing this. Because I risk limiting my impact. My work should aim for more than only 10 percent of a person’s experience of happiness, of freedom and aliveness. I want real leverage.

How To Change Your Mind

How To Change Your Mind

Michael Pollan just wrote a beautiful book on the “psychedelic renaissance.” He titled it “How to Change Your Mind.” And it is a phenomenally important work. He is a best selling author many times over. Many of you may remember groundbreaking books like “The Botany of Desire,” “The Omnivore's Dilemma” and “In Defense of Food.” I mention these because he is one of Time’s 100 most influential people. This is what is important about this post: Michael Pollan just made “Journey Work” go mainstream.

Vision& Justice

Vision& Justice

the Vision & Justice Civic Curriculum is now freely available to you.

“How has visual representation both limited and liberated our definition of American citizenship and belonging?”

This is the animating question behind the Vision & Justice Project, led by the incomparable Sarah Lewis. Visual representation has always been a powerful tool for reshaping our culture. But social media has exploded the power of the image. We need to be aware of this power. And we need to wield it with intention.

Machos Anónimos

Machos Anónimos

It is too easy for the work of dismantling patriarchy to become an arena of “competitive wokeness.” A well developed analysis can actually shut down curiosity. We tend to hold it as a fundamental truth. And the work becomes about grandstanding. Everyone wants to get it right. To let others know they have it right.  And to enforce what is right. I call it movement fundamentalism.

I have nothing against what is right. But I do have a problem with spaces that make us afraid to get anything wrong. The fundamentalism that underlies “competitive wokeness” can paralyze us with fear. No one wants to get it wrong. No one wants to be exiled from the tribe. A primal fear hijacks our thinking. And fear is how possibility erodes.