There is a rage burning through this country. And there is terrible heartache at its core. I am short of words today. Less coherent than I want to be. But I am glad I get to spend time with you tonight. It is important to turn to one another. To pray together. To hold each other. To reflect. And to take responsibility.
Read MoreThere is an exciting boom in gatherings of men who want to relinquish patriarchy. But I am concerned by the central role that shame plays in the discourse.
You do not have to wallow in shame in order to take responsibility for your conditioning. You do not need to be so afraid of those parts of you that are a byproduct of your culture. Shame and fear are paralyzing. And no change can come from that.
Read MoreConscious masculinity is about showing up consistently. It is about “providing” presence, care, clarity, courage, strength. But it is not about being perfect. It is about the journey there.
It is more important to measure ourselves against who we were yesterday than against who somebody else is. More important to gauge the steadiness of our own progress than to compare ourselves against our ultimate ideal.
Read MoreMyth is how we make meaning. Myth is our way to grapple with the fundamental human questions of “how and why.” How did we get here? And, why are we here? Modernity undermined myth. And post-modernity has left us adrift.
Myth. Ancestral stories. The archetypal pattern of the stories that resonate within us. These are keys to our quest towards conscious masculinity. Some of it needs to be updated. But much of it continues to hold fundamental truths.
Read MoreAccept what you can’t change. Clean Up. Share your thoughts and feelings. These are a few of the tips listed in the Survival Kit for Men Under Pressure. Grateful to Lawrence Barriner II for pointing to it in his newsletter.
The umbrella organization that put it together says that it is their job to support and accompany men:
“We know from experience that crisis situations increase the risk of losing control and becoming violent.”
That’s an intense statement. It is challenging to face the fact that many of us run the risk of becoming dangerous. But it is much better to face it. To accept the possibility. Particularly when we are under this sort of pressure. Because it is only then that we can take appropriate precautions.
Read MoreEvery week is different. Each requires a different set of skills. A different approach to meeting the moment. One of my very best friends was on a ventilator. We were scared. Then he came off the ventilator and out of the ICU. We were happy and relieved. Now he is facing dangerous complications. And might have to go back into the ICU. We are scared again. It has been difficult. And it has also been beautiful to be in it together as a group of male friends.
Read MoreI have been concerned by thoughts of the women and children who are not safe in their own homes. We have reports of “global rise in domestic violence cases as Covid-19 lockdown turns into captivity for many women.” Futures Without Violence is one of a diversity of resources for those of us that want to help.
It can be too easy to consider the worst of cases. And not look at what we are doing. Patriarchy is insidious. It lives within us. And it is showing up. Right now. As many of us grapple with life during a pandemic.
Read MoreI have to redefine my relationship with a work identity that is all about bringing people together in the flesh. A lifestyle of constant travel is suddenly interrupted. I am sequestered at home with the woman that I am consciously uncoupling from. We are spending more time in close quarters than we ever did when we were trying to make our marriage work. And we are both spending a lot more time with our son.
Read MoreHow does this conditioning, the idea that we must tough it out and put our minds over our bodies actually disconnect us from ourselves?
I’m not quite ready to say that all of it is bad. There is something to pushing through. But like all things masculine, it can be taken too far.
The norm has taken a pause. We have an opportunity to break out of the consensus trance. This is the time to tune in to the wisdom in our bodies and the deeper knowing of our hearts.
This the time to evolve.
Let us become better men together.
Read MoreLast week I sent a note on the sins of adolescence. I want to make room to talk about these tonight. I am wondering who among us feels like you had good models of masculinity growing up.
I keep thinking about the flood of testosterone coming into our bodies. About the intensity of sexual desire. About our bodies wanting movement and sometimes aggression. Most of us did not have good guides to help us work with all of that. We were left on our own when it came to working with all of the energy moving inside of us. And so we stumbled our way through.
Read MoreI’ve been working with Julian Mocine McQueen of the Million Person Project. He is helping me to find a way to tell my story of patriarchy, masculinity, harm caused, lessons learned and lifetime of atonement. The process has me reflecting on my adolescence. And on all the things I wish I knew then.
We don’t do enough to help boys become men. We don’t have initiation rituals. We allow this culture of patriarchy to shape our ideas of what it means to become a man. And the world is left with a bunch of children who are flooded with testosterone and have no idea what to do about it.
Read MoreI am aware that in my life, in my first effort to address patriarchy within myself, after failing as a man in the most terrible ways, that meant turning down my masculinity.
So I made masculinity and patriarchy the same thing. To me those two things were one and the same. What I tried to do was be good, be conscious, be righteous by being less masculine. And I see it happen all the time.
I see men just try to turn it off in order to be good guys. What I’ve learned over the years is that patriarchy and masculinity are not the same thing.
There is toxic masculinity and conscious masculinity. There is something masculine that can be harnessed for the good. And that in fact, when it is not harnessed, it can be damaging and dangerous.
Check out the episode here: How to be an Alchemist. The Better Men conversation starts at 52:35.
Read MoreI’m looking forward to our call next Monday, February 3 at 8:30PM. Did you get my newsletter on Friday? We released the first of a set of interviews for the Better Men Project on my YouTube show.
Check it out here, and get to know the spirit and the wisdom of Lawrence Barriner II. He has been doing a lot of men’s work. And we have been blessed to have him on our calls.
Read MoreI want to invite us to start this decade by bringing our attention to what we are doing right. There is so much shame. There is so much that we need to get better at. There are so many ways in which we are burdened by patriarchy and its conditioning.
But we would not be coming to these calls if we were not at least trying. It was Seth Kirshenbaum who invited us to consider an appreciative inquiry. What are you doing right in this quest to relinquish patriarchy? What are other men doing that is inspiring to you? What kind of man are you aspiring to become? Who do you look up to? How have you changed for the better?
Read MoreIt seems impossible to grasp the true scale of femicide across the world. Women and girls are raped, trafficked and murdered with impunity. The impact of patriarchy is harrowing. And the response of women across Latin America has been truly inspiring.
Read MoreSo much of what we have been taught about what it means to be a man is simply wrong. It has hurt us more than helped us. But I also like to wonder if there is wisdom to be rescued in these ancient codes of chivalry.
There is something there about not running away. Something about facing what is in front of us. Something about the courage, capacity and character to slay the dragons that stand before us.
Read MoreWhat does it mean to be available? To yourself. To your family. To your friends. To your community. To life’s purpose as it is moving through you.
One of the impacts of patriarchy is that most of us men don’t have access to the full range of our human emotions. We do not know how to feel. And so we are not available to ourselves. Numbing and addiction are how we runaway.
Read MoreSo when I invite us to consider our relationship to pornography. I am not pushing the idea that it is all bad. I am a sex positive person. And I believe in the power of the erotic.
But the fact is that thanks to the internet, the culture is facing an absolutely unprecedented increase in addiction to pornography. It is changing our neurology. It is increasingly normal for young men to suffer from erectile dysfunction. Men in their sexual prime are losing the ability to reach sexual arousal with a real person.
Read MoreThere is nothing puritanical about me. And I do my best to stay away from taking a moralistic stance on things. I grew up in a church community that held fundamentalist tendencies. And I’m still working to get over all that.
So when I invite us to consider our relationship to substances, I am not pushing the idea that abstinence is the only option. Personally, I am part of a recovery program that supports my abstinence from alcohol and marijuana. It is what works for me. And it is one of the most exciting developments in my life. I feel healthier. And free.
Read MoreI am appreciative of the way we are in community. You sent me links to inspiring articles about men stepping up:
She’s Not Your Rehab: Barbershop Movement Urges Abusive Men to Tackle Traumatic Pasts
Men in Iran are wearing hijabs in solidarity with their wives who are forced to cover their hair
We are part of something so much larger than ourselves. Men are stepping up. I am looking forward to our having more conversations about creative ways to do this. I want us to follow adrienne’s invitation:
practice taking action together. go to marches to protect women’s rights, volunteer to hold the line at abortion clinics, intervene on observed acts of misogyny and patriarchy in private and public!
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