Thank you for doing the work of becoming better men. The author’s of “King, Warrior, Magician, Lover” open the section on man psychology by asserting that: “Man psychology... has perhaps always been a rare thing on our planet. It is certainly a rare thing today.”
If by man psychology they are referring to conscious masculinity, then I certainly agree with them, at least when they are talking about our day.
Read MoreIt is always easy at times like these to project all fault onto the avatar that falls. But it behooves us to consider how much of Cuomo is part of ourselves. I don’t think anyone on this list has accumulated anywhere near the amount of power that Cuomo must now do without. But #metoo is not only about tumbling avatars and our rituals of collective catharsis. #MeToo s about you and about me.
We launched this Better Men Project soon after #MeToo broke out. It is a project of atonement. An act of radical responsibility. It is important to note that the Governor of New York was advancing feminist public policy even as he was enacting patriarchy in his professional life. He is not the only one that stands divided.
I’ve been tracking the evolution of Black Men Build since it was just an idea. I am moved and made optimistic by bearing witness to the effort. In a time of racial uprising. In a movement that seeks the leadership of Black women, queer and trans people. In this period when masculinity must be reimagined. It is good to celebrate the good people on the effort.
Read MoreI know that I launched the Better Men Project because I have been possessed by patriarchy. I have caused harm, and this is part of my project of atonement.
We are looking at the transition from boy psychology to man psychology. The transition comes with the death of the hero:
The “death” of the Hero is the “death” of boyhood, of Boy psychology. And it is the birth of manhood and Man psychology. The “death” of the Hero in the life of a boy (or a man) really means that he has finally encountered his limitations. He has met the enemy, and the enemy is himself. He has met his own dark side, his very unheroic side. He has fought the dragon and been burned by it; he has fought the revolution and drunk the dregs of his own inhumanity... The “death” of the Hero signals a boy’s or man’s encounter with true humility.
Read MoreI am a big proponent of mythos. Myth is how we structure both meaning and belonging. It is how we aim to answer the deepest questions of our humanity. As someone that cares so much about myth, it was a revelation to learn that the archetype of the hero is still part of boy psychology. That we need to embody the hero. But then we need to grow beyond him.
Read MoreWhen we release our own mortal, fallible mother from the burden of being the Divine Mother, from being the Great Mother, we open ourselves to a new depth of spirituality. We begin to experience a sense of deep-relatedness with life itself. It changes how we walk upon the earth. And it certainly transforms how we relate to the women in our lives.
Read MoreLet’s talk about the Mother. Let’s talk about our relationship with our mothers, and how it has defined our masculinity. Present or absent? Healthy, unhealthy or a little bit of both?
Why not start by doing good things. No need to think too much about it. Just find ways to do good things. They can be small things at first. Small, unrequested favors. Lending someone a hand or an ear. Showing up well to a project or a team. Lifting up the energy in a room with a good heart and a kind smile. Going out of your way, over and over again, building a practice of selflessness.
Read MoreOur call is tonight. Be reminded that even though we are slowly working our way through a shared text, we do welcome newcomers to any of our calls.
There is a wisdom that lives inside us. An inner knowing that becomes available when we are grounded, anchored in our authentic Self. We can cultivate trust in our own intuition and learn to be guided by the courageous wisdom that resides in our bodies.
Read MoreYou can’t engage men’s work without thinking about mansplaining. What is it about us that wants to act like a “know it all?” What is it that we are performing? What is it that we are trying project?
As we continue our study of “King, Warrior, Magician, Lover” we look into the archetype of the “Precocious Child.” The curious part of us. The part that is eager to learn and to generously share what we are learning. The part that may mature into a magician.
Read More“Turning towards” the thing. “Turning towards it.” Facing it. Seeing it. Looking at it with open eyes. This is a core practice of conscious masculinity. Whatever the thing may be. No matter how terrifying it is. It is better to look at it than to allow it to hide.
A hole in your marriage. An unhealthy pattern in relationships. An addiction. That problem in your work life that goes persistently unresolved. A lack of care for your body, health and vitality. A problematic relationship with porn.
A failure to aim high and become anchored in purpose.
A lack of engagement with the Great Mystery. A failure to contend with the ineffable and the divine.
Whatever it might be. Turn.Towards.It.
Read MoreMy most recent podcast is an interview of the movement artist, Favianna Rodriguez. Her response to the question “What Should Men Do?” is potent and piercing.
She invites us to move away from the culture of domination. She invites us into our embodied selves. And to commit ourselves to a culture of partnership. To participate in a culture of nourishing and giving life, supporting life and giving life.
Read MoreLooking forward to being with you tonight. Know that you are welcomed to join even if you have never participated in one of our calls. We are slowly making our way through “King, Warrior, Magician, Lover.” But we structure our calls so that men can come in at any stage of our process.
Tonight we’ll bring our attention to the beginning of Chapter 3, “Boy Psychology.” Please read through page 26.
What are the ways in which you have successfully integrated the “boy” inside of you? How are you able to tap the playfulness, the open-mindedness, the readiness for adventure of that part of you?
Read MoreIf you are new to the Better Men Project, know that you are welcomed. You should join us. We are slowly making our way through “King, Warrior, Magician, Lover.” But we structure our calls so that men can come in at any stage of our process.
On Monday, we will bring our attention to the beginning of Chapter 3, “Boy Psychology.” Please read through page 26.
Devote some time to honest self-reflection this week.
What are the ways in which you have successfully integrated the “boy” inside of you? How are you able to tap the playfulness, the open-mindedness, the readiness for adventure of that part of you?
And just as honestly, how do you still act like a boy where manhood is required?
Read MoreThe Better Men Project sets out to rescue masculinity. To find ways to embody a conscious masculine. To practice an alternative to toxic masculinity. Somewhere in this process is liberating ourselves from a cage that separates us from the so called “feminine” traits.
Read MoreTonight we dive into “Masculine Potentials” a very short chapter of “King, Warrior, Magician, Lover.” The authors invite us to consider how archetype and myth live within us. They invite us to open up to the wisdom and mystery of the collective unconscious.
I see the way certain stories seem to light up my son’s imagination. It seems clear to me that these archetypal stories are touching something deep within him. They allow him to imagine himself into being and becoming.
Can you recall your earliest intimations of a healthy masculine stirring within you?
What are the ways in which parents or other adults around you either met or failed to meet your masculine becoming?
Read MoreI was not planning to write about turkeys this morning. But I just had a funny encounter with a male turkey. There is a rafter of wild Turkeys that make their way about our neighborhood in Dorchester. One of the males just got his tail and waddle, and has become quite territorial.
Today as I drove into my street the Turkey decided to get territorial with my girlfriend’s minivan. It refused to get out of the way. I was many, many times bigger. But the Turkey did not seem to care. I backed off a bit, and the Turkey thought it was winning. So it kept coming at me. It was now forcing me to back up into a busier street. I backed off and it kept coming. The Turkey kept thinking it was achieving it’s goal! It was putting me in a real morning bind.
Thankfully there were no cars on the main street, and I was able to back up and speed up enough to move around the Turkey. “Males” I thought, shaking my head as I left him behind me.
Read MoreRebecca Traister who is the author of “Good and Mad: The Revolutionary Power of Women’s Anger.” published a piece on the allegations against Governor Andrew Cuomo of New York. Her perspective merits our attention. She is inviting us to see the connection between patriarchy, toxic workplaces and the desire for strongmen leaders.
Read MoreI’m looking forward to being with you tonight. We will bring our attention to Chapter 1 of “King, Magician, Warrior, Lover,” The Crisis of Masculine Ritual Process (not to the whole of Part 1).
It was my birthday yesterday. It has been an eventful year. I facilitated my last “in person” retreat last February in a remote corner of the Colombian Pacific Coast, a Solidarity Laboratory for AfroColombians. It was epic.
I make a living from bringing people together. The pandemic struck at the heart of my business model. It has been a year of adaptation.
My last time on an airplane was about a year ago this week, when we went to Puerto Rico to say our last goodbyes to my adored Abuelo.
My separation from my son’s mother entered it’s most difficult stage as we opened into last summer. Things are better now. But it has been quite a heart wrenching break.
I share all of this to make the point that it has been quite a year, for me, as for most of humanity. It has been challenging, but I have also been held by love. I am growing as a man. And I have been able to shift a lot of my work.
Read MoreBack in November, one of you sent me a link to an episode of “The Daily” NY Times Podcast. It is called “Man to Man.” I thought it important to share. It is a deep, honest and harrowing exploration of some of the worst aspects of toxic masculinity.
There is so much to heal and transform.
For years, Wil S. Hylton had been drawn to his cousin’s strength and violence. He was pulled in by the archetype that he embodied and was envious of the power he seemed to command.
Wil describes his relative’s violence as “ambient” and “endemic,” but he was sure it wouldn’t turn on him. Until a few years ago, when his cousin tried to kill him.
On today’s Sunday Read, listen to Wil’s wide-ranging exploration of masculinity — that of his cousin’s as well as his own.
“My attraction to my cousin and my detachment as a husband both reside in the pantheon of male tropes,” he wrote. “Masculinity is a religion. It’s a compendium of saints: the vaunted patriarch, the taciturn cowboy, the errant knight, the reluctant hero, the gentle giant and omniscient father.”
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