Childhood Trauma
Trigger Warning: This newsletter is about childhood sexual abuse.
tldr: I start with an argument for talking more openly about childhood sexual abuse. I offer links to resources and I close with my own thoughts on healing from childhood trauma.
I am moved by the heartfelt responses to my recent newsletter on depression.
Please know that your feedback is invaluable. Your replies always serve as encouragement for me to keep going.
In this case, your responses embolden me to talk about a difficult topic that I have wanted to broach for a long time.
Let’s Talk Openly
I want to invite us to build a culture that talks frequently and openly about childhood sexual abuse.
I am not a victim myself. But in my healing practice, as well as in my role as friend, partner, coach, and spiritual confidant, I am baffled by the number of people who have experienced this horrific form of childhood trauma.
“The US Centers for Disease Control estimates 20% of all adults experience rape or sexual abuse by an older child or adult by the age of 18.”
One of the reasons why sexual abuse keeps happening to children is precisely because we have a culture that allows it to happen but forbids us to talk about it. It is a prevalent form of abuse. But we keep it buried deep in the shadows. Victims are often overcome with a paralyzing sense of shame and isolation. They feel like their lives and livelihood would be at risk if they tell someone about their experience. They worry that they will not be accepted or believed.
Before I go on, it is important to clarify that I’m talking about sexual abuse as experienced by young people both before and after puberty. It can often feel even more confusing to victims, and especially boys, who experience abuse in their adolescence. Adolescence is a time of sexual curiosity, and adolescent victims can have doubts about their role, their decision making power, and confusion about the sensations of the experience.
Impact
It is a fact that there are often dire consequences for disclosing sexual abuse. This is true when the victim discloses at a young age, while it is still happening. And it is also when an adult chooses to reveal an abuse that was perpetrated during their own childhood. Disclosing sexual abuse is the sort of revelation that throws families and communities into chaos. It can feel so much easier to address the issue quietly. Or, worse, to never reveal it at all.
The problem is that this sort of trauma can stay with a survivor forever. It shapes their life, decisions, and their capacity for trust, joy, and sexual pleasure. The healing process requires all of their attention and all of their courage. It is deep and hard work. But healing does happen. People do get free. And they go on to live beautiful lives, with healthy relationships and an uncanny appreciation for the totality of our human experience.
I know this to be true. I have witnessed it up close. And I have often served to support this sort of healing process.
We talked about depression a few weeks ago. And it is important to note that both anxiety and depression can be the products of unresolved childhood sexual trauma. This type of trauma leads to a hyper-vigilance that does not allow us to meet life on its terms. It can lead to bouts of depression where survivors lose touch with our very sense of self-worth.
I am NOT saying that all forms of depression and anxiety can be traced back to childhood sexual trauma. But I am saying that too much of it is. And I am saying that if we don’t normalize talking about it, too many people will live the rest of their lives with the worst of their psychological pain going unheard and unhealed.
It Happens to People of All Kind
I’ve been listening to the Tim Ferriss Show for many years. He describes the show as a podcast where he: “deconstructs world-class performers from eclectic areas (investing, sports, business, art, etc.) to extract the tactics, tools, and routines you can use. This includes favorite books, morning routines, exercise habits, time-management tricks, and much more.”
Tim is more than a successful podcaster, author, and investor. He is a courageous man who has been very public about his healing process. And has gone a long way to fund research and share tools that help people experience their wholeness again.
At the end of each podcast, Tim asks his guests what they would write on a billboard that they knew millions of people would read. I’ve never been interviewed by Tim, but every time he asks, my answer is always the same:
“Talk about childhood sexual abuse.”
It is our silence that keeps the scourge alive.
It makes us complicit.
I bring up Tim because today he stands at an apex of success and privilege. He has taken bold risks supporting the scientific study of psychedelics, he has the coolest friends and he hosts one of the most successful podcasts on the internet.
He is also someone who dared to come out and tell the story of his own childhood sexual abuse. I admire him for it. For using his massive platform to make the conversation public. For helping some of us to see that being male, rich, and white does not mean you are exempt from this horrifying, but common, human experience.
A GREAT List of Resources
Tim put together one of the most comprehensive lists of healing resources that I have seen. You can find it here on: How to Heal Trauma, along with a link to the episode where he talks about his traumatic experience and his healing process. I like the list because it includes documentaries, fiction, non-fiction, tools, organizations and other podcasts.
If Tim Ferriss is not your cup of tea, I have also been moved by the courageous work of Amita Swadhin at Mirror Memoirs. And by the conversation Amita had with adrienne maree brown on what used to be called the Healing Justice Podcast, the episode is called: The Politics of Feeling Good.
Daring to Talk About it
I think it is essential that we find the skill and courage to bring this conversation to the table. To make room for folks to speak of their experience, to help survivors get to a place where sharing and being heard is an essential part of their healing. We have to work on that part of ourselves that wants to turn away from bearing witness to these horrors.
The grip of shame is in the power of the unspeakable and the unsaid.
Shame falls apart when we dare to speak it aloud.
Talking about it will help people heal.
It will also make us attentive and aware. It will help us understand that most times the perpetrator is a parent, a family member, or another young person who might be slightly older. The perpetrator can be a teacher, a coach, a priest, or another deeply trusted party.
I don’t say this so that we look at more people in our lives with suspicion. Most parents are good. Most family members are good. Most people in service are good.
My intention is not to cast shadows on the very humans that bring goodness and light to this often painful world.
My intention is to share that I’ve seen too much of this. That I keep seeing too much of it. That I hold an altar and a prayer that people come to for healing, and that it is before this altar that these experiences are revealed.
There is just much more of it than many of us (even victims), imagine there is. And it is my hope that by daring to talk about it, we can make it easier for people to find their way and to heal.
My hope is that the more we talk about it, the more that perpetrators will know that it won’t be possible for them to hide. That we will make it easy for victims to speak. And that we will find ways to stop them from the harm they want to cause.
And it is my hope we build a world where it becomes possible for these perpetrators to themselves find a way to heal.
It is, of course, important that we learn wise ways to talk about this. We learn more about how to broach it. That we become skilled at creating context and develop the skills to help hold it. Bravehearts, in Australia, has a site that includes resources on prevention. I am also proud of my father, Pedro, a Catholic Deacon, who is trained in training others on how to detect signs of grooming and abuse.
Survivors are Not Broken
There are just a few more things that I want to say before I close.
I am amazed by the resilience of children. Many of them are able to compartmentalize (which should only be a short-term solution!) to survive. They can simultaneously suffer fear and horror and still find ways to laugh, dream and enjoy the playground,
Survivors are not broken. Do not treat them like they are. Each one of us is gifted with a wholeness and a worthiness that nothing or no one could ever take away.
Survivors can go on to live good, functional, lives that include the heights of achievement, meaning, and pleasure. And even so, they would also still be served by addressing their childhood trauma. There is always more life to be had. More love and freedom to experience as our old wounds fall away.
It is normal for people to suppress experiences of childhood sexual abuse. It often is something that survivors uncover a some point in their adulthood.
It is true that healing work with psychedelics can lead someone to discover that they were abused as children. This is a scary thing. But it is not a bad thing. It is better to know than not know. What you don’t know about yourself, what you have compartmentalized away, is still having an impact on your day-to-day life. It leaks. And it keeps you from experiencing the full breadth of the human experience.
If you take the psychedelics path to heal, it is not unusual that, over a number of sessions, you will get to the point where you re-live your experience. Your body remembers it as if it were happening all over again. It can be harrowing. And it is unbelievably liberating. As long as the survivor is working with a solid, experienced guide and is supported through their process of integration.
There are different stages to the healing journey. Some survivors are nowhere near the possibility of talking about it outside of working with their own therapists and healers. Other survivors get to a stage where talking about their experience becomes integral to their healing. It is also a choice some survivors make in order to make it possible for other victims to come forward, share their own stories, and begin to heal.
Here it is important to note that talking about it does not always have to mean disclosing the perpetrator. I believe that perpetrators should be exposed. But it is too often the case that a victim is so afraid of exposing their abuser, that they won’t talk about it at all. It is better to talk about it and not name the abuser than to keep your experience hidden in a corner of your heart.
Healing Can Be Found in Many Places
I’ve offered links to great resources on healing. But here I will also name some of what I’ve seen that really works:
Allowing Grief. Too many of us don’t understand that grief is an essential part of healing. It is the sorrowful gift that turns our heartbreak into compassion and wisdom. It is how tears turn into pearls. A victim has to take the time to grieve what was taken, and can never be returned. Martin Prechtel’s The Smell of Rain on Dust (and Indigenous perspective) and Francis Weller’s The Wild Edge of Sorrow, are the books on grief that I most often recommend.
EMDR is a therapeutic modality that seems like magic to me. It’s not magic. It’s scientifically tested and incredibly effective. I am amazed by how much of what is happening with EMDR is actually non-verbal.
“EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a psychotherapy that enables people to heal from the symptoms and emotional distress that are the result of disturbing life experiences. Repeated studies show that by using EMDR therapy people can experience the benefits of psychotherapy that once took years to make a difference.”
Somatics. We are so blessed to be living through a time when more people in Western culture are returning to our bodies. We have over-relied on our minds, and on our words. A somatic (embodied) practice and somatic healing/therapy, if you can find it, is a very effective way to heal from trauma. Especially trauma that was violently perpetrated on your body. Consider the fact that all of us come from ancestors who danced their way into their healing. Being hurt is not new to our age. Pay attention to the ancient ways of healing. Healing, song, prayer, nature, fire and community have always been part of the process.
Psychedelic Medicine Work. We are making remarkable progress in the Western-style scientific study of these substances. We are using our own ways to discover things that indigenous folk have always known. You can’t successfully heal by taking psychedelics on your own. You need experienced guides. Like I said in my post on depression;
Psychedelics are best seen as an episodic sacrament that exists in the context of community. A community that regularly gathers without psychedelics. People and families who come together regularly to celebrate, contend with, and bow before the mystery of life and its terms.
But this sort of community is something we are still working towards. And you should not be discouraged from working with psychedelics if you find a trustworthy and experienced guide.
Therapy. Hopefully, this one is obvious. But I’ll lift it up anyway. Good therapy works. And it works even better when coupled with other modalities listed here. Personally, I find “IFS” or “Internal Family Systems” to be a most powerful therapeutic modality. There is something shamanic about it. But don’t wait to find the ideal therapist or modality, start searching and testing therapies now.
Find Others. You are not alone in your experience. Childhood sexual abuse is more common than most of us dare imagine. It is good to find support groups for survivors. These groups work best when they include people who are at different stages of their healing journey. People who are further along, people who are coming along with you, and people who you can eventually support.
Girls are more likely to experience sexual abuse, 1 out of 4. But boys experience it at a high rate too, 1 out of 6. Men and boys tend to underreport.
It can be harder for men to look for and find support. Sometimes joining a men’s group, like the Better Men Project, even if it’s not specifically about childhood sexual trauma, can be a key way to start to create space. In some of the in-person (not zoom) work I do with men, I am opening the door for us to speak of our sexual histories as a way to heal, and as a way to become better, more conscious, men in the world
Dr. Peter Attia, in a rich conversation with Andrew Huberman about “Vitality, Emotional & Physical Health & Lifespan” (timestamped link) does a really good job of speaking honestly about his trauma, emotional health, and what it takes to get better.
Tell your story. Your main concern is your own healing. You do not owe anyone anything. And yet, oftentimes, as we heal, we are moved to share. We discover that when we share, we make it possible for others to find ways to heal. And when we support the healing of others, we discover that we become even more healed. The path of holding others who have suffered what you’ve suffered is the path that allows you to take the worst thing that happened to you and turn it into medicine. Your healing becomes a gift for the world.
Wisdom Traditions. Too many religions, of each and every ilk, have managed to corrupt themselves into systems of myopia, self-righteousness, and oppression. But they still come from wisdom traditions. You can find wisdom in ancient stories. You can find healing in time tested practices. In prayer, contemplation, meditation, acts of collective worship and adoration. Humanity is blessed with a wealth of wisdom traditions, many are religious, some are not. Do not underestimate their power. Always be careful of throwing the baby out with the bathwater, when it comes to wisdom and its traditions.
In Closing
As we talk about childhood sexual abuse, we must continue to cultivate kindness and unending compassion. You never know what someone else has been through. It is very, very, likely that even if you have not experienced sexual trauma, many people around have. It is likely that they’ve never talked about it. And if they haven’t talked about it, healing will be more challenging. Have healthy boundaries. You don’t want to take on someone else’s trauma. But also have great compassion. You never know what someone has been through. And some of us have been through the worst of the worse.
If you’ve been hurt in this way, trust and believe that you can heal. I have seen it happen over and over again. Allow yourself to have faith. And find the courage to get started on your way
If you have not experienced this type of harm, join me, let’s make sure more of us are talking about it. Let’s bring it out of the shadows and into the light.